scary

okay, this sounds scary, but i figured out that i have been a victim of depression... for a damn long time. i did some serious reading and found out some pretty rad facts. one of those numerology things, where they tell you a story about you and you are like "oh my god it is totally me, how do they know", said that i am a nightmare to be with when life knocks me out of balance. my mom said that it is true. sadly life did knock me out of balance half a  year ago, and i keep living in the past... sorry folks :( if you think i don´t give a damn about how others feel then you are wrong. i do, but i need to balance myself out first, then i can care for others. that balance is very hard to figure out though. and balance, for me, doesn´t mean throwing something or some things out of my  life to even everything up. it means gaining more and more, until it is even.

sometimes i feel completely stupid. so i go and watch documentary movies about how the earth is being mistreated, how animals need help etc. other times i feel i have problems communicating with others. so i talk to myself. and very often in english. it is like a mind diary that i read out loud to myself. weird, i know.

one of the biggest concern of mine right now is the future. i have been thinking here.. that... how did i grow up already? i just can´t really imagine myself being gone from home for.... ever.. yeah, forever. not that i don´t want to go. hell yeah i do, and the sooner the better, baby. i don´t want to sound ungrateful here, but you know..

there is another problem. i get tired of things after a while. i can even get bored with sewing. i don´t have the stability. so, someone should throw an adventure in my way, because i can´t stand routine.

oh, the mysterious life. if you didn´t like what you just read then forget it all and get the hell out. i didn´t actually feel comfortable writing this. wait,.... what the hell.. this is my space. get out ya fools! or be my friends :)

should i write a book instead of throwing this all out here? because i feel strange.

moving on to the bright side. i mentioned some fashion adventure i was getting myself into.. the deal is that there is a show coming up called MoeP.A.R.K (fashion park) on march 19th. the competition already starts before the final show, in other words - the judges will pick the ten best drafts/scetches of collections per agegroup to be in the show. and i am obviously hoping to make it. who wouldn´t be?

i don´t think it would be a huge deal if i said out loud what my theme is going to be. better yet, i already did in the previous post! it is a wedding dress collection. there. you know it. and i was the first to say it, so you better not steal my idea you fools. i have said you fools twice in this post. i like saying you fool. anyhow, i am waiting to see how this adventure will go. the first time you should keep your fingers crossed for me is february 23rd when they announce you know what and blah blah.

there actually is another show taking place next month as well that i am thinking of going for, but that is a might be going, might not.

why wedding dresses? because i like wedding dresses a lot. and since we should speak our dreams out loud then i might as well do it now. i wish to own a vintage kind of wedding dress store one day. or something like that. or maybe not particularly a wedding dress store, but evening gowns, bridesmaid dresses and such. maybe i should learn to measure fabric then.. not to cut it as much as i think would be okay. there you have it. the world knows now.

oh, and...

me: "hey mom, where is the brother"

mom: "he went to finland"

me: "oh.................................................................."

yeah, my brother went to finland, because he got "a job". i don´t know what to think of it. three weeks of peaceful life? i am down.

this is the longest post i have ever updated here. whoa! but since it is called a blog, i might as well.